No Turning Back

December 30, 2015

My Devotion

My Heart

No Turning Back

Teresa Jenkins

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is seen is eternal.  2Corinthians 4:18

I do not know about you, but I am totally exhausted from dragging around the baggage of all my yesterdays.  It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad thoughts and memories of yesterday, I spend way too much time giving all the shoulda, coulda, and woulda’s.  Every time a thought crosses my mind in no time at all I can start beating myself up on why I did what I did, or how I should have done the whole thing better or differently.

The only good thing that comes from our memory bank is using it to make better choices, but I don’t think that is what very many of us do.  I used to think I was all alone in my self-berating treatment.  But I’m not so sure anymore.  I think that is what the one who seeks to destroy me wants me to think.  He’s very good at using what I think about myself to point out people around me who “appear” to be doing so much better than I am.  Instead of seeing others and being happy about their blessings, I’m berating myself because I know that many of the results I’m living with are not the blessings they seem to be enjoying.

Sometimes I can hear in my head, “See if you had only made better choices 30 years ago you wouldn’t be living with so much shame.”  He takes the truth and twists it like a knife in my heart.  I don’t care how many times I want to turn back and do it all over again, I know that I can’t, but I keep reliving it in my mind over and over. 

Jesus said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life will save it.”  Luke 9:23 &24

At first interpretation I knew that meant I must accept Christ as my Savior and put on the cross my idea of what my life is.  Gradually God is revealing to me, that the only thing in my past that matters is that I received Him.  All the other stuff needs to be nailed to the cross through His sacrifice.  He knows our humanness and that once is not always enough, “take up their cross daily,” no matter how many times we have to nail our sin, our regrets, our guilt, and our shame to the cross, it’s ok, but if we don’t and we continue to carry them around we are not denying self, instead we waste precious time and energy on the things we cannot change robbing us every opportunity to focus on the things we can influence change.

At this time of year we see a lot of focus on giving and reaching out to others and thanks to social media we see a lot of wonderful things being done in the “Christmas Spirit.”  While it all is well and good, and I envy those who do all those wonderful things, I struggle with what I do or should I say don’t do.  This morning as I got on to myself one more time about not knowing what I can do, He reminded me that prayer is so important and it’s the one thing that we all can do.  You or I may not have the means or access to physically do something, but we all have the means and access to pray.  Our prayers open up the window of opportunity for someone to reach out, for someone to help someone in need. 

We cannot turn back the hands of time and use what we know now to make a better life than we had, to do things the right way, that’s not in God’s plan.  We are given a microscopic amount of time on this earth against the massive expanse of eternity to make a difference.  No one ever did anything great that didn’t begin in prayer.  I’m sorry I haven’t spent more time in prayer.  I’m sorry that I’ve put other things before prayer.  I’m sorry there have been many days I left my cross hanging on the wall and didn’t take it with me through the day.  There is no turning back time, but I can fix my eyes on what I cannot see, and press on toward the prize by start doing what I know to do and let the window of opportunity to do more for the Glory of God.  May starting on our knees before the throne lift us up to do more and more taking up our cross daily following Him.

“…so is My word that goes out from my mouth:   It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.  Isaiah 55:11

What if His people prayed with no turning back?

In HIS Time

Teresa

The Bigger Picture

December 6, 2015

My Devotion

My Heart

The Bigger Picture

Teresa Jenkins

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,  “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek Me and find Me when you seek me with all you heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13

In my life I have seen God at work in spite of my sinful nature.  In my latest struggle I cannot see what He is doing, but because of what I know He has done in the past I know that He is doing something that only He can do. 

Last night at dinner with some friends we were talking about family and how her mom and dad moved from Arkansas to California and her oldest sister was born there, they bought a house and settled down to build their life together.  Then family “needed” her dad to come back to help with the family farm.  What appeared to be a want more than a need from the family, just might have been God’s hand things and people into place so that things and people (members of family) could be born.  If they had stayed in California how different life would have been and some people in her family would not have existed at all.

I was reminded of the time God revealed that truth to me as well.  When my oldest son was graduating from Texas A&M University.  As I sat next to the rafters in the basketball arena looking down at a court covered with caps and gowns I was feeling very proud and sad at the same time.  As we waited for the ceremony to begin I was looking at my family sitting all on one row laughing and talking and enjoying the day.  My heart was weary from the shame of being a single mom because of divorce.  An ugly thing that I never ever wanted to have done.  I looked to my left and the seat next to me was empty.  In my thoughts God spoke to my heart and said, "Teresa look back over these 20+ years, every time you went to a ballgame, a play, a concert, or a ceremony anything and everything your child was involved in there was “an empty seat” next to you.  It was not empty because I, (your Husband), your Father, and your closest companion was sitting right there next to you, cheering him and his brothers just like you.  That young man would not be exactly where he is, on that basketball court about to receive a degree from one of the most prestigious universities in the country, in this moment if your life had not gone exactly as it did.

Whether God planned all the things in my life to happen exactly as they did or that He worked everything out that I messed up for the good, I do not know.  That detail is not important to me.  What I learned that day taught me that no matter what God does have a plan whether we mess up or not, He already knows and has everything under control. 

Yesterday I cried out to God in my pain, in my frustration, and in my fear and He led me to acknowledge who He is.  Just as my son was a speck on the floor of that arena with the hundreds of other graduates and from my perspective could barely see Him, we too are just a speck in the grand scheme of things.  Still, we are so important to God that He is all up in every detail of our lives.

I’m here to tell you I do not have a clue as to what is going on or what I’m doing.  Friday I was so emotionally exhausted from the massive struggle to do my job and instead of it getting easier through the weeks when I begin to get a grip on it more obstacles are thrown in the mix.  I confess I have always struggled with the process of things, I really like to know what’s coming and how it’s going to end.  I never know all the details even when it’s over, but at the end such as the moment my son graduated, God gives me a glimpse of what He was doing all along and why.

Jesus told us that even the very hairs of our head are numbered.  (Ok, I just “googled” that thinking surely someone has investigated it) The average number of hairs on a human head, average being a guess, not exact, is from 100,000 to 200,000 hairs.  Jesus said, “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid.”  Luke 12:7

This means He knows the exact number at any given time of our life how many there are that is a microscopic detail that we don’t even think about until it starts falling out never to grow again.  So why can’t we see that God knows everything else about us and is always at work in us and for us.  We are like a grain of dust in the wind and God not only knows us, He loves us so much He made a plan, an individual life plan for each and every one of us.

Yesterday my heart wanted to cry out in my anguish, my frustration, and my anger, but I couldn’t not that He could not handle my tantrum fit, He could and He would because I had done that the night before. The Comforter came to me yesterday and interceded.  The events of my life once again had brought me to the feet of Jesus and even though I still don’t know what the bigger picture looks like, what the purpose is, or even the outcome, I do know without a doubt that God knows and holds me with all my struggles and problems are in His hand.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there you hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.  Psalm 139:9-10

The big picture is not at all about you or me, and our part, though it is the smallest of the small, is crucial to God’s plan, if it were not He would not have placed or moved people and things exactly as they needed to be for us to exist and be a part of the plans that He has for others.  All of it is to the glory and honor and love of God.